Being a new mom, I am learning so many things about caring for this little person who is his own person and is growing his own personality. I watch in awe at how fast he learns as he observes the world around him with curious eyes.
There is so much I want to tell him, but I’m sure over the years these words will be harder to say and eventually I will forget to tell him.
- I love you to the moon and back. I am sure every mother feels that. There is no better feeling than to see my baby looking right at me and a toothless smile just creeps in. It is as though my world just immediately brightens up.
- In relations to #1, you make me want to be a better, stronger person. I don’t think I’ll shy away from admitting I am diagnosed bipolar, but I pray you’ll never experience the brunt of it. When I was pregnant with you, you made me so much happier, I could tell that the skies were sunny and there was not a hint of darkness near me. There are days now I could feel the clouds coming in, and I’m careful to not show it to you, but know that when I think about you, I want to be happy and healthy, so you could feel the love and happiness you bring to me. I want to do all that I can so you will never have to go through the thoughts I have of myself.
- You will always worry me. I am your mother, I will always worry if you ate enough, if you are sick and if you are happy. It’s easy for people to say that I’m anxious for my baby; but when you’re older, I’ll worry about sports injuries before they happen, I’ll worry about if you get bullied in school, and I’ll worry if you’ll get your heart broken. I will try to not interfere so you can still experience the world and grow into it, but never forget, I will always want to be a part of it and be your sanctuary whenever you need it.
- I’m proud of you. You’re a baby, you haven’t done much yet, but I’m already proud of you. Every time after you stand up holding the bed rails on your own, you look at me with the proudest toothless grin on your face, my heart bursts with pride. I know I will feel that way when you bring home your artwork, your grades, your diploma, your new girlfriend, your baby and just about anything you set your heart to accomplish. I will always be proud of you and I pray I will always tell you that. (Honestly, right now, I’m stinkin’ proud that when I go out, people tell me how cute you are, I’m like “Heck yea, he’s cute! He’s got good genes!”)
- You are loved. Not just mommy loves you. Your dad loves you so much. I remember the first day you were born and he held you so tenderly. We have a picture of that on the mantel at home right now to prove it. My heart knew I married the right man because no matter if we ever have our disagreements, I know he loves you with all his heart. When he had to leave us when you were barely a week old, both our hears broke because he had to leave you. He would face his biggest fears for you. Never forget that.
On top of that, your grandparents love you. GongGong and MaMa loves you so much. Mommy had to leave home to go with daddy, and it broke their hearts too, but it is the way it is. They would buy whatever you want and needed so you’d never have to ask. They would come home from a rough day and hold you and everything would feel better. Papa and Nanny loves you too. They miss you everyday when you’re in Malaysia for the holidays. They always tell you that, even though I think you still don’t understand that right now. They love you, I know because they told you so, that you already have them wrapped around their little pinky.
Never forget that, my baby boy. Never feel like you’re alone, because you are not.